Tick Tock, Tik Tok

Everybody's taking a peek at me

The United States government is threatening the entirety of the youth with their exploring banning the social media app Tik Tok. This comes after multiple years of critique towards the app for its alleged usefulness as a spying tool for the Chinese government. This is an interesting position to take, to care about the Chinese spying on U.S. citizens when it is all but confirmed that my Alexa is spying on me right now.

Supposedly, my Alexa does not hear anything that I say. Yet, Amazon continues to presciently suggest bidets to me despite having never once searched the web for bidets, let alone Amazon.com. I have only recently begun to, under my breath, speak to myself about the possibility of purchasing a bidet. I’ve spoken to myself multiple times the last few weeks, quietly, while in my restroom, saying, “I could just get a bidet and be done with toilet paper.” I repeat, I have never searched the web for bidets.

My television is also spying on me. Everything I purchase now has a microphone on it and no off switch. I remember when a television had a button that turned it off. Now my TV just goes to “sleep,” which is basically code for “listening mode,” a mode where it uses all of its processing power to transcribe everything I say and send it to the Toshiba headquarters where Japanese data scientists pour over the information and build complex profiles of my day to day life.

I’m not sure how I feel about the Japanese knowing about what time I wake up, what time I get out of bed (two separate times), and what kind of private conversations I’m having with my friends on the internet. I worry sometimes that the Japanese do not understand sarcasm or even my sense of humor and perhaps have got the wrong idea about some of the things I’ve said to my friends on the internet. Well, let me just say this now: If the Japanese ever try to use any of this information for anything other than television show suggestions, I might no longer take such a nuanced view on how World War 2 ended. Whenever World War 2 comes up in a conversation, I’m not really going to say anything about the ulterior motives behind detonating two atomic bombs on basically an entirely innocent population. I’m pretty much just going to say, “it was all bad,” and leave it at that.

I have a watch now that doesn’t get text messages. It only tells the time. I used to wear an Apple Watch that had many different functions. Sometimes I would wear the Apple Watch and I would put my phone down and then the watch would vibrate and remind me that my phone needed me. I would be making myself dinner and my wrist would start ringing so that it could tell me that Brad Pitt is in hot water with the press.

I drove by Brad Pitt’s house in Carmel-By-The-Sea. It’s shrouded in trees and barbed wire. You can’t see anything. Parked near the drive were a few decade old Toyotas and a Ford. I would hate to have to park my Toyota outside of Brad Pitt’s house when visiting him. If someone near the road hit my Toyota, that would be it, I would lose all that I have. Brad Pitt’s whole house could be hit by a car and he would still be okay. I would not be okay if something happened to my Toyota. Brad Pitt should let his servants park in the gates.

I’m glad my watch doesn’t make me think about Brad Pitt any more. It only makes me think about what time it is. Looking at my wrist should earn me nothing more than that. I looked at my Apple Watch before I stopped using it daily and it said my oxygen levels were good. This is too much for a watch to know.

If I was Tim Cook, or Mark Zuckerberg, or Elon Musk, I don’t think I could resist taking a peek into people’s personal lives. I have a huge window in my apartment that directly faces an entire apartment complex. If any one ever leaves their curtains open, I can see right in. I can see the fat man on the third floor with no furniture eat his large breakfast, which must be only the beginning of what he’ll eat that day. I can see the young couple on their computers, side by side, on the couch. I can hear the Christian preacher radio station on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I lie in bed and I listen to the preacher talk about Jesus like he knows him personally. He says Jesus is ready to forgive us for all of our sins, no matter what, but I think he should say, “Jesus will take a look at it but it’s up to him, ultimately.”

The other night my neighbors started fighting. My girlfriend and I turned off all of the lights in the apartment and we sat by the window listening to their argument. The man kept saying, “I’m gonna leave you, I’m done with you.” The woman kept saying, “You’re not going to leave. You’re not leaving me.” The man accused the woman of taking too long to go to the doctor recently and, as a result, got him sick with a bad cold. Then she said he was drunk. We fell asleep listening to them fight.

I understand why the woman didn’t go to the doctor. I had a mole removed a year ago and the doctor charged me one hundred and fifty dollars. They didn’t tell me until afterwards how much it would cost. I said I wasn’t aware that it would cost any money at all and said I wouldn’t pay. They said this wasn’t a good argument for not paying and a mole costs what a mole costs. I said I’d think about paying and I still am.

A friend of mine got really sick and ended up in the hospital. When they got better the hospital gave them a bill for 70,000 dollars. My friend’s life is worth a fully upgraded Toyota Tacoma with leather heated seats and Apple CarPlay. I guess I consider a person’s life to be more valuable than that, so in that case maybe my friend got a good deal on his. But it still seems wrong to put a number on it any way.

I wonder if the government has taken a look at that, at all. Until then, I really don’t mind the Chinese knowing all about me and the videos that I like to watch, although sometimes I wonder if they are aware of the nuances of my taste and that I like watching videos of special needs Americans because I find them endearing and sweet, not objects of ridicule. And if they want to take a further peek at me, let them. I have nothing to hide; my oxygen levels are good. Just ask Tim Cook.